It just dawned on me that I haven't updated close to 3 weeks now. Pretty long a hiatus no? Whilst I'm still caught in the mundanity of things (not that it's bad to have a little consistency), sometimes I wonder who my spontaneity has eloped with.

That aside, it's inexplicable really how ecstatic I am with the commencement of the new semester . As much as I love vacations and all that, I can't wait to get past mine, so that my brain cells get their much deserved stimulation it has been deprived of, for like forever. (It's so evident, you can tell from the way I'm expressing myself.) Like really. * Note the frequent use of bimbotic language.

Of late, I've been so preoccupied with I don't know what. But it seems that I've something to tend to almost everyday. If I'm not flying, it's some event I'm attending or a certain someone I'm meeting for brunch, lunch or dinner or just coffee. I'm falling behind my religious reading though which displeases me a great deal. And oh, I'm proclaiming myself the queen of procrastination. Sloth has crept in ever so stealthily and I hate that it throws me off track. But everything's been a mad rush. The adrenaline is almost orgasmic. I find that pretty hilarious but I like entertaining that thought. And I'm most definitely not complaining. I'm glad I've been kept duely busy.

On a different note, as much as I hate to speak of my personal life, there's just a tiny issue that's been annoyingly reccurent. Yes as much as ignorance is bliss, sometimes being gracious overrides that. And when I succumb to my otherwise 'unbitchy' side (stupid alter ego) , I find that I get caught up in the cycle.
So I've hence decided that I shall play devil after all. As long as I'm not hurting more than one party in the end.

So that's that for now.
I'm going to promise that I give myself a little 'me' time.

Conformity

Do we conform just for social acceptance?
Just so that we belong and fit in?

Blindly follow what we know to be wrong and yet proclaim otherwise, only because we choose not to be perceived as outcasts?
Give up the prerogative to be individualistic?
Mob mentality or plain idiocy?

No. I simply refuse to be one and the same.
I am my own person and I will in every way exercise that right.
So there.
Shoot me cos' I'm different.
And because I dare to be.

Pointless.

The latest just in.
The dimwit has deleted his blog account.
He works fast doesn't he? It took him 3 hours (It was still there when I posted my latest entry.)
Seems that the jerk has absconded. To india.
Well this bit hasn't got to do with me. He's been there a while.
He better stay there. Cos I don't know what I'm capable of.
(Yeah right, like I'm some big mafia don.)
That settles it. I HAVE to drop it.
All this drama for what? Nothing. Damn.

Death lurks.

I don't mean to sound cynical.

But i don't want to die!
Not yet.
And not in a plane crash.

I don't want to cross over to the other side missing some extremity or mutilated or disfigured.

Turbluence en route.
Deteoriating weather conditions.
I don't know why we still fly to Phuket.
And I can't help with the paranoia knowing disaster strikes thrice.
It certainly doesn't help looking at the crash site with unyielding thoughts that play in your mind incessantly.

I'll never forget how thunderous applause roared through the cabin when we landed safely.
For that two hours, I don't think I've ever prayed so hard.
To live.

Dirty laundry.

I'm airing yours.

So Mr. Copycat is some 'famous' vasantham central celebrity!
With looks that certainly doesn't kill, a frame that has evidently been overfed with too much dum briyani and a fashion sense that certainly does no justice to the indian superstar, I wonder how anyone can stand or even sit watching him overact on television.

My blood boils.

So i'm gracious enough to leave this creep a subtle [which friends happened to think was rude and I don't know why!] comment stating the obvious. And what does the most intelligent buffoon do? He not only deletes my comment [which by the way is not only indicated by the absence of it but by the fact that "Comment is deleted by the administrator" is clearly written], he goes on to ADD another comment, under MY name, CLAMING that 'I was sorry [which clearly I am not!] for shooting my mouth and that since the issue at hand has been sorted out, which SUPPOSEDLY I, once again, was IMPRESSED by the way he handled it, he is by all means free to carry on with his writing.' (Obviously, these are my words. HE was in no way close to being grammatically perfect which I am not implying I am, just in case you assume otherwise.)

Tell me. What do you make of this?!
The AUDACITY of this brainless, ignorant chap.

Of course, i didn't stop there. I mean how could I? I had to write on.
Seriously is he completely oblivious to the fact that he made a complete cuckold out of himself?
Tarnishing the image of a public figure is supposed to be taboo, but what do I care? Besides he seems willing at aiding the process of sullying his reputation.
I would sue him if I could. And I shall, if I find some way.
Let me work my way around this.

I DEMAND and apology for plagarism AND virtual impersonation.
And until I get it, or this blows over with time and my rage dissipates with it, I SHALL NOT STOP.

This is the bloke's URL. Look for the post titled "Love for life".
Apart from the 1st sentence and the lame 2nd last paragraph that reads from the 2nd sentence, I own every other word. Read the comments if they haven't already been erased or modified. And just so that you know the last paragraph was inspired from a prayer back when I was in CHIJ (an all girls, convent). Unless he castrated himself and landed himself a spot, I sure as hell don't know which enunch would write that.
Knock yourselves out. Who knows you may find your post staring back at you!

http://lovethyself01.blogspot.com/

Disclaimer: Thou shalt not entertain one-dimensional opinions. You are not me. (I would like to add that I am usually not this hot headed.) Go @#*% a spider should you need to back his ass up. And while you're at it shove a fist up yours.

Go in peace.
Right.

Plaguarist alert.

So last night I decided to do some venturing, out in the virtual world of course.
You'd be amazed with the random finds while blog-hopping really.
Sometimes you come across the most interesting reads and at others, a hearty laugh. Some people are blessed with all the wit.
And of course on rare occasions, you chance upon one that leaves you gaping in awe.

Here's why in a bit.

Through multiple connections, I unearthed the biggest shocker. (I make it out to be some archaeological find but it wasn't really, more like chance encounter with resident of loserville.)
Maybe this isn't even worth all this upheaval, butI for one take plaguarism very seriously.
Forgive my incessant rants. Let me move on.

So staring back at me is this site, in the exact layout as mine. Yes we've heard that curiosity killed the cat, but it's no surprise that any human for that matter wouldn't delve further. Seriously I hadn't an inkling as to who this person was and how i got there. But reading the posts brought about an all too familiar feeling. And no, it most certainly wasn't deja vu.
Let's cut to the chase. There was this particular post that i read at least 5 times before it dawned on me; that the words used were mine!

I find out that this guy is some hot shot celebrity or so he claims.
Dude! Where art thou decency?!
First of all you don't pinch someone's words and accredit them as your own. At least have the decorum to quote should you have thought it inspirational or something!And for crying out loud, what happened to improvisation and an attempt at a guise maybe? Changing the title and adding a disclaimer does NOT make it yours and it does very little to hide your lack of originality. What the hell did they teach you in school?! Apparently you were the kind who copied your Math homework and English Comprehension simply cos you didn't know better than to do it YOURSELF.
And please. About your fans encouraging you to write because you excel at it?.. HA! now that's a joke. You're making a mockery out of yourself mister. Makes me wonder if any of the posts were even YOURS to begin with! You don't steal from someone else's cache, which is why you've got your OWN. Evidently you haven't made use of yours. And at that age, with your given status, give your wife something to be proud about would you?

Keel in shame, you're disgusting.

just a thought.

If life were just a dream, I hope I stay awake for all eternity.

Broken spirits.

I have so much to get off my chest.

Why are humans never content with what we have?
Why do we always turn to God in times of 'need'? Yet shift the blame when nothing seems right?
Why do we not look upon ourselves? How is it that we are never in fault and almost always mounting the burden on another?
Yet the first to take credit for a windfall that chanced upon us?
Greed.Pride.Ignorance.

Why do people make promises they cannot keep?
Forge bonds that are so easily broken?
Shirk responsibilities they are accountable for?

Where is all the humanity and what of it is left?

Shed the tears you've once cried, for there isn't enough love in this world to keep the spark of life ignited.

heartstrings.

Because enough is enough.
The hate will suffice, despite it being overrated.

Unlike you.
I don't need an accessory on my arm to complete me. I don't need another to validate my existence.

This saga, is finally O.V.E.R.

skeletons in my closet

I have no gut feelings. Absolutely none. Zilch, nada, naught. I am almost certain it ceases to exist. Can you believe it? Where art thou instincts? Reckon I'm only a girl in name?

'Nuff. Too many questions. And none answered.

So. Few nights ago, I stopped asking anything of God. I mean what's the point right? Seems to me, my prayers have become chants which in turn, anthems I sing almost every other day.
Don't doubt my faith of course. If years of pleas remain ignored, its futile to keep at it. Besides, I deserve it, for my idiocy. Maybe in time HE won't refuse a pittance? HE must have some plan. It's another lesson I tell you. The same in fact.

I hate change. I abhor it. Then again I've never been one, adept to adapting.

I can't distinguish right from wrong. It's frustrating sitting on the fence.
Right now I don't want to lean back for fear of falling, in that stupid rut again.
I can't seem to put my foot forward either. Liabilities petrify me.

Unbeknownst to me, the worst is out there. Or so I think.
How do I embrace the future if I'm terrified of walking its path?

I'm so much more than I give myself credit for. I just need to learn how to walk again.
*slaps forehead*

the bloody narcissist.

It bothers me. How none of my entries have been stimulating or thought invoking.
Just self absorbed.

Then again, I'm not writing to change the world.

So before I digress, let's come back to ME.
[well hey give me some credit for the honesty if not the modesty, or in this case the lack thereof. hur hur.]

Updates.

Yesterday marked the end of my poverty. I am finally debt free. *3 cheers please*
But oh no. I can't go back to being the spendthrift I was though, cos' this aint daddy's money no more.Funny how you really feel the pinch of purchases when the dough rollin' in is from YOUR sweat and toil. But glad I am, for gone are the days when I look longingly at a plate of chicken rice and choke a sob because I'm short of the 20 cents to have that decent meal. Now I can saunter into Hilton and order a cheesecake just cos! *Braggart* Of course there is still the burden of school fees. Now that's the bomb. No seriously, you'd think textbooks were gold plated or something. And bills of course. I wonder which creep said it was fun growing up. Newsflash bum, it's not! I shall be civil and use expletives only under my breath. %#$@$. It's not lady like to be profane no? Right, like I care.
And of course there's this other 'investment' I've banked in on. Now that's my secret. One I'm going to and planning to keep from the world til I have them figure it out themselves. If they ever do. I feel the start of sinister laughter sounding.

But, let's get on.

Moving past is seriously the hardest thing to do. I can't comprehend the works of the heart and mind really. I give up. But if ignorance is bliss then so it shall be, considering how immature that may seem. All advice has not fallen on deaf ears, it just takes time for a stubborn girl like me to do what I have to do because I want to do it and not because I was told to.

Well folks, that's a wrap. Because I fly tomorrow I have to be asunder.
P.S I've come this far, ONLY because I have the most wonderful friends. ALL credit goes to them.

YOU

You.

I wish I hate you enough to forget you.
To will your disappearance from the face of the earth.
To order your banishment to another planet.

Stop hogging my thoughts.
Quit taunting me.

I'll admit it. I promise. Just go away.

I haven't got tears left to stain my pillows.
I haven't the energy to heave sighs.
I haven't the strength to keep doing this.

I just want to be happy.
To smile.
For an ounce of normalcy.

You.

Please leave me alone.

Mired.

I've taken off in a new direction.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed and for the most part of it, I still have my doubts. It seems to me that I have for myself, an already full plate, but what's an appetizer and a main without a dessert right? Besides, going around the buffet table, I'm bound to find something I like, at least eventually. So I've decided, I'm going to take my chances. Not the calculated sort, but the kind that has you riding in the back seat, allowing yourself to be put through the surprises in store. In any case, I'll have to jump out should I sense the first sign of trouble.

Okay enough with the metaphors. My attempt to be vague doesn't mask the obvious and blatant stance of the predicament I'm in.

Ruminating a list of plausible consequences, weighing the pros and cons, trying to turn a deaf ear to both well wishers and naysayers so that my decision stays purely mine; goodness I've put my mind through an endless stream of possibilities, positive and otherwise. I have to give it to my brain seriously, for being able to handle the pressure i subject it to. It's a wonder I haven't had a cerebral aneurysm as yet.

In the end, I'm keeping my options open, and taking it as it comes.

An epiphany, when you least expect it.

Okay so this is pretty random.

I watched 'Evan Almighty' with sunshine on my birthday. In it, 'God' told Joan, "When you wished for the family to be closer, do I invoke the feelings within you or do I give you the opportunity for it to happen?" and then he told Evan, "When you told me to help you change the world, should I do it myself or give you the opportunity to?"

All of a sudden, there rang a bell. I had an epiphany at that exact moment.

Truth be told, everyday I prayed for strength, to do a certain something, or at least, to NOT to do it. Yet it never happened. I admit I was disappointed in HIM for letting me down repeatedly and I'm sorry for that. Don't get me wrong here, HE has done some amazing things and I remain eternally grateful. But this was something I REALLY and I mean, desperately needed. Then I saw it. HE did give me, not the strength but the opportunitiES, not once but over and over again. It's true. A very good friend once mentioned that HE must love us more than we imagine for HIM to teach us the same lesson time and time again, albeit we ALWAYS get it wrong. As hilarious as that might be, I can't emphasize how true it is.

Maybe I've finally got it. I still have my doubts but now, I know the way this works.

On a different note, a certain thought struck me today. Something I've never even considered up till now. Why is it that I ALWAYS choose to settle for less when bigger and better things lie right in front of me? Could it be that I really do feel such and yet am completely unaware or else in a pure state of denial?

For the first time in a long time, I am confused. Very.
Have I really fallen in love another without my realising it?

Simply, a thank you.

At first turning 23 didn't seem like much of a deal. I mean, what's a plus one on top of all that existing years right? Wrong.

People age and yet they remain none the wiser. SO much for maturity. But, what can i say, growing old isn't always the key to wisdom eh? This birthday shed light on more than a couple of things. Not so much wiser, but enlightened.



Last night was, in a word, wonderful. Having the closest and dearest on a very special occasion makes all the difference. Of course, spending the first few minutes of my birthday in a cab wasn't anything to oohaahh about but how can i complain after my gorgeous celebration!

Thank you my angels, for the oh so yummy chocolate cake from heaven, your company (especially those who had to twist arms and legs and stuff wads of tissue up their noses to be there), and all the love amidst the silliness. Thank you for the two waterfalls and all the shots, the light stick madness at chillies, for confiscating my phone in case i submit to certain drunken er, tendencies and of course sending me home in one piece.

Thank you also for all the wishes, gifts, breakfast (more like brunch since the visit to the temple was postponed to a later time all because your royal highness was too hung over from her stupor: SINNER!), lunch, movie and dinner treats.

I love each and every one of you. And I cannot imagine what it'd be without.

Lost in ambiguity

About a week ago, I had a moment, one of sporadic sorrow. Sometimes the erratic episodes doesn’t just get me all teary, in fact, it takes a lot for me to hop back on the band wagon that takes me from despondence to well at least a hint of good sense. Reminiscing means taking a step back, into the past, a haunt I don’t ever want to revisit; one that still brings me immense pain and heartache. The heart refuses to relinquish what the mind knows better to eradicate. Memories.

Ironically, work helps. A hard day’s work certainly pays off when you need something to distract you from certain impervious and incessant thoughts. At this juncture I shall not fail to emphasize that the pay check is well worth the aches too! I’ve grown rather accustomed to all that flying of late. It doesn’t seem all that dreary anymore, oh well except of course for all those morning flights I simply abhor since I literally have to drag myself out of bed, constantly putting aside contemplations of calling in sick just so as to escape the morning grogginess. At least I’m in no danger of becoming the sloth I used to be.

Maybe I should permit my mind have a field day, to run wild, into all those nooks and corners it hasn’t visited and those it has and wishes to return to repeatedly? I’m sure it’ll finally rest knowing all its efforts (to drive me to insanity) remain futile? Maybe. At least then I don’t visit the land of abnegation so often. To thread that path over and over has taken such a toll on me. So the adage goes, to err is human, but to do so over and over, is just plain stupidity.

Then again, science, the discipline of psychology to be exact, has studied the behavioral pattern of homosapiens for far too long and in the end, the same rule applies. Our genetic makeup makes such cyclical tendencies second nature, such that breaking out of the habit is almost impossible.

True enough, time heals all wounds. There isn’t a shadow of doubt in that. But for how long can we keep entertaining ourselves with such optimism? Won’t there be a day where our reality checks come in such rude shocks and giant awakenings?

I'm lost. Someone please find me.